meaning as hope and despair

What else is meaning but the feeling that the world really, really ought to be their for one- and the fear that it is not.
It is then the feeling that that my perceptions are going...
going somewhere-
going where I hope, we i imagine -(or even somewhere better.)
Behind then their lucid veil, lies that path, the paths towards - in a world which has meaning.
Meaning as hope marks the point the world becomes a road somewhere else - and time become the name I give for the journey along that road.
It is the point I as a self gain the right to feel that my place in the world is simple or at least secure - we all know where we are going - and all we have to do is wait while doing the necessary - the world of my perception and feeling will oblige- or at least we hope so.
Now this is not blind faith.
It is not that one does not understand the process here. One the contrary hopes do analysed the loops of the world, clearing out little stanzas, little parts of time that repeat, arranging then as best it can on the path. I do this because this follows, and that - and so one.
The road-hope is then paved with little causal track ways, which lead me on, and tell what i shall do here and now -and so so in no certainty of where they ll lead really- i merely hope. so that the fat that the word is my perception, means that nothing is really that sure-
I hope then the past repeats what it was again- i hope that if i behave myself, or just do stuff, do what i am meant to here and now the world will respond.
Meaning is then given in the sense that the world here how hard it s being my or perhaps how good I am.
My memory- and what i have done in it- how I have worked, how controlled the situation, is what gives me my hope. It is te point from which i feel i am owed by the world a break. If there is any justice in this world I see then...

This is not a craven point or merely a conceit- for ti is true that actually being worthy of what the world does to one is hard. that is if one s a success, and the path goes where one wants it to-comprehending that success, demands that one thinks in terms of meaning an how this was meant to be. or again if things do not quite go to plan, once again then deserves of meaning is called upon to explain the situation. The hope then of meaning is not merely the challenge of the world to behave according to what i need, it is the replying feeling not that one, in that name of that hope ought to change what one is doing.
A perception a meaning, a track way in the mind, and through memory, stars then to punch its own weight - stats to pull both myself as a self, and the world around it.
It see everything need not be about my journey- or the worlds indifference - on the contrary we both, but and move around the same fixed point.
The world has meaning then as I and the torrent of perceptions are moving - caught in the vortex between us both - whisked up - taken towards the same point-
and yet of course there is a twist- by itself this is merely destiny - cold and simple- the pagan world of fixed point to which we all move- what makes it hope or despair is that there is some un-stated relationship between the me and the world in this double meaning- so moral relation or ethical bond perhaps, some loop that links my ambition back into the world around this point. The point is then part of my mind, what i ant fro the world, and the world in moving is reflecting that fact (or else as I despair is rejecting it). The world is becoming then around my career plans- which I am setting up as a destiny.
The Other world then which powerful passions burn into my mind - the feeling that this is not quite enough, this immediate world, there must be other - is then set up as a point of destiny. That power is then invested in a point beyond my immediate knowledge, a point though i go to, and the world comes with me. a point I need to one worthy of, perhaps, but then so does the world,. a point where what i do here and now, now behave, effect the world, and does so as I would have ti effected - so that my life also has meaning. The world then becomes mine at this point beyond my perception, a point I need to be worthy of, and look to here and now. i look then the main chances of the Now, to realize this latter ambition, to realize the point beyond my immediate nature. I look, and expect a world to respond (or despair when it does not).
in the light of an impossible conjunction beyond our immediate identity, we act then; in that light be change what we are here and now, and look to the world also to change. We at it, unite beyond the kink of the known - in the world i already hope or fear- a world I feel is perpetually coming- as my world world has its meaning.